The end of the road trip

I promised myself that I would make these posts more consistent. And yet here I am, close to two months after the last post. My head is swarming with anxieties aplenty. Not least of which is because I picked up my life and moved the hell out of Memphis and Tennessee entirely.

I decided to move to California. I’ve heard many opinions and reasons to go or stay for several months. But I’ve moved nonetheless. Part of this anxiety is because I had hoped to get tested for Autism. That unfortunately feels less likely now. It’s expensive as hell for one. For another, it’s become more conservative because some directors believe it’s being over diagnosed. Which I think is horse shit. But there are also dozens of bills across the country that have me worried in other ways that makes this insanity swirl around my head. Some days I’m amazed I get any sleep.

Then there’s where to find housing. And I’ve made the decision to follow my dream as a full time writer. And I don’t have enough HRT medication to last me until I find a new clinic for refills. I’ve felt like I’m abandoning all of my friends. I haven’t posted anything for my podcast in literal months. And a job interview for something I applied for over two months ago…

But I have some solace. I am reading. Reading books in between searching and writing. One such book is by John Green that has me realize that I am not the only one with such terrible worries and anxieties. The Anthropocene Reviewed is a collection of short essays that delve into products and concepts alike. He reviews them at the end. But they are more than that. Each review gives us a bit more insight into the mind of John Green. I’ve just read the one on decathlons, which felt the most memoir yet.

Reading about his anxieties and distracting myself from my own seems to calm me down. I even want to start reviewing things as I get more accustomed to the Bay Area and everything it has to offer. I don’t have the same writing style as John Green, and my humor is vastly different from his as well. But this is something I could also do on a more regular basis.

And this feels like one more thing I can stress out about. But I am in a new place (world it feels like) and this is the best time and place to begin new habits and stick with them. A new sense of normalcy. Which is something I’ve craved for a very long time.

Though I’m not finished reading The Anthropocene Reviewed yet, I would still like this to be the first thing I review in California. With John Green’s witticisms, insights, and tempered opinions on every subject at hand, I give this anxiety-induced book 4.5 stars.

Autism Blog 3 | RAADS-R Test

So I took the RAADS-R Test today on Embrace Autism. I got a 204. Every test I’ve taken feels like I’m getting closer to figuring something out about my brain. And the main reason I even started this little quest of mine was to be more consistently creative.

Like, I’ve always depended on those moments of creativity where I get an idea and I write it down as fast as possible. But I think so fast and my hands can’t keep up much of the time. And while I don’t have an exact idea as to why this happens, I have a place to start.

I don’t know how to feel about this news. It seems like I should feel something, but right now I don’t. It’s like there’s some unnamed emotion pushing just underneath the surface. But that’s all ok right now. The thing I told myself before-hand is to just take in the information and sit with it for a while.

I’m moving out of Memphis (my hometown) in a little over a month. So that’s a big priority right now. But I’m going to have time to prioritize this ASD thing. And to bring it up when it’s necessary. Stuff like that. I’ve had to learn patience from a lot of things at work, so I know that I need to apply that to this as well.

Something about this score reenforces this belief that I am a highly creative person, though. I’ve always felt frustrated because I couldn’t get a point across, or put two ideas together and become quickly dismissed. I used to bemoan stuff like that, but I’m just trying to analyze it right now. Trying to take a step back and examine things that might be some sort of indication to something else… But to get back to the creative part: I’ve always wanted to make up stories. I think it has something to do with trying to study people and traits. Things of that sort. It’s difficult to find a story I find very interesting. And when I do, some folks boil my stories down to cliches. I dunno, I’m rambling and will stop there for now.

Autism Blog Post 2 | Reading Material

Ok, it’s been a month. Let’s get over that and move on.

I’m currently reading a book called I Think I Might Be Autistic by Cynthia Kim. I’m still at the beginning of this book. Typically I’ll hyper focus on something and it feels like I make giant leaps and bounds of progress. But I’m a mood reader so I can also lose track pretty easily. So far the book is breaking down concepts and phrases needed to begin to understand all of this.

By the way, any links to books I provide will be to StoryGraph. The reason being I don’t want to support Amazon. That’s a big practice, to provide a link to Amazon. If I ever link to a big box corporation, I would rather link to Barnes & Noble.

I’ve had a coworker give me a couple of suggestions, too. I’ll list them below once I get those links, in case anyone ever stumbles across this post they don’t have to worry about which link is buried where. He is also on the ASD spectrum and has been very patient with me as I discover how my brain works. I guess this is my new hyper focus.

The last thing I’m writing about is this site I recently found on TikTok. I take everything on there with a grain of salt, but there are some accounts that do a great job of informing folks like me who are questioning themselves and doing some serious research. Embrace Autism. I've recently taken the AQ-10 Test. The numbering system is 1-50, with a threshold of 26. That means, if you score lower than 26 you are considered NeuroTypical. That’s some lingo I’m using from TikTok, or the Clock App. Lots of short hand here!

But the Embrace Autism site has been great so far! I’ve made sure I answered everything thoughtfully. Which can be difficult sometimes. But I ended up getting a 38 on the AQ-10 Test. I have yet to take the RAADS Test, as they are rebuilding that part of the site.

www.embrace-autism.com

I Think I Might Be Autistic

I think I have Autism

I don’t generally pay attention to my last blog post, but it’s been over a year. Crazy!

A few months ago I started putting research into autism and figuring out if I am on the spectrum. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, but have since realized that this overlaps with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). This post will have to be short on the details for today, as the cafe I’m at closes in five minutes.

I’m going to do my best to be better at documenting my possible ASD, as well as a move I’m making to California. Maybe this internet diary can actually be a thing this time. Talk to you later, Internet Diary!